Welcome back my vanilla-headed friends to another addition of Ask Doctor Peroxide. Today is a special day for me, as I have all 13 of my girlfriends over just cap the night off with some fun in my double king-sized bed… if you know what i mean . So, I thought I’d get to this week’s questions before tonight’s festivities. Today’s question comes from a really pathetic nice guy who has a bit of a porn problem.

Question:

Hi Doc Perox,

I have a big problem and I hope you can helpme. I’m embarrassed to say but I’m totally addicted to blonde porn. LIke I mean, I don’t even wanna leave the house I just want to watch it constantly! What ever shall I do?

-Blonde Pornaholic

Answer:

Hahahahahahahaha haha LMAO!!

No, no I wasn’t laughing at your question honestly. I just thought of a monkey and I started to laugh. Uncontrollably. Monkeys sure are funny.

Okay, Mr. Blonde Pornoholic, so you have have a problem with watching porn? I know every man that has ever lived has his fair share of blonde porn viewage. It’s not necessarily a bad thing because without blondes and porn, there would be no Internet! Just think of what a sad and dull place the world would be.

Now back to the problem at HAND. I don’t see why this is such a big problem for you as it’s clear you don’t have any regular contact with real live blondes. I mean, have you ever considered just settling down and marrying your hand? Seriously, you could find a little blonde wig for your hand, glue that baby on, maybe draw some lips and eyes on it? Heck, you could name her Rosie Palm, or PALMala HANDerson. Get a little white wedding dress on it and strut down the aisle just you and hand together. Wouldn’t that be so cute?

You shouldn’t be complaining as you have it made my friend. Just think - no more dealing with nagging or bitchy mood swings. Hand never complains and it doesn’t expect to be cuddled or for you to talk to it after the deed is done. Man, if I had anything less than 13 blonde girlfriends I would be totally jealous of you.

So that’s my advice to you. Just sit back, relax and spend some quality time with hand. You will be thanking me soon enough.

latah hommie,

Dr. Peroxide

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